As far as I'm
concerned, it came out of nowhere. One day I was living happily without it;
the next thing I know, I'm hooked. Craigslist is slowly taking over the world.
The contractor tearing up the office found our desks there. The neighbors are looking for guitars and French lessons. My friends use it to look for jobs and shop for sex. There's truly something for everyone.
When more than a few friends told me they had posted ads on Craigslist, or "CL," I set out to find them, scanning the "w4w" postings every day.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love my Sapphic sisters, but the girls in "w4w" are about as exciting as kosher salt. Imagine the tedium of reading post after post by 20-year-old bi-curious girls looking for a "first time". Then of course there's the woman who just got out of a six year relationship with her live-in girlfriend, lost her cats in the divorce and is now looking to meet a sensitive girl for conversation and chai.
On a quest to spice things up I wandered over to the "m4m" section. After penetrating their 5-tier disclaimer, I knew I'd hit the jackpot. These boys mean business. I envy their reckless use of dirty words and capital letters. With subject lines like, "LOOKING 2 PLOW- home all day," and "Super talented bottom boy for huge hairy top," I knew there were hours of Internet fun in my future. The invitations sounded so racy, I seriously considered becoming a gay man. But my plan was short lived-- I don't think my dick is big enough.
After a few days of my new obsession, an experiment presented itself. A little study in homo-anthropology. Taking the most lesbionic posting I could find on "w4w," I changed the pronouns and re-posted it on "m4m":
"Looking for Mr. Right"
I want someone to bring flowers to, someone to go out and have a great time playing pool or darts with, or someone to just walk around with. I want to find someone who doesn't mind having his back rubbed at night while I sing songs of nonsense in his ear. I want a guy who wants to have fun, likes to play games, likes art, reads and listens to music that's not on the radio. Please be a little bit hardcore, with a bit of sarcasm and a bit of secret sensitivity. I'm just looking to meet cool, down to earth guys, and maybe something more.
Less than 10 minutes after I posted, the responses started rolling in. I started feeling guilty. There I was, posting fake personals for my own amusement, and it never occurred to me that I could be breaking hearts. The men's posts were so filthy, I never imagined that some of these m's might actually be looking 4 an m who resembled the unwittingly transformed lesbian quoted above. Not ready for that kind of karma, I felt obligated to respond, knowing I needed to turn them off in the process:
Wow- you sound amazing. Why don't you come over for a nice romantic dinner next week. My mother will be out of town visiting her sister so we can have the whole place to ourselves. Don't worry, mom says she'll leave me enough tuna casserole for the whole week. Can't wait to hear from you Donald (I don't know why, but the name Donald just felt right.)
Believe it or not, no one wrote me back.
I felt like a jerk, sure, but I wasn't satisfied yet. I took one of the raunchier "m4m" postings, changed the he's to she's and re-posted it in the lesbian section:
"I want to spend my lunch hour on all fours"
Very cute, athletic, slim and smooth wants to get fucked with your hot tool. I have a fantastic hungry ass. Into spanking, feet and long lasting oral services. Hairy a plus. I mean business- no strings attached. Not into fat girls, sorry.
Just as expected, I was INSTANLY bombarded with emails from women disgusted by my post. "This is not the place for such lewd invitations," one scathed. "What do you have against fat chicks?" argued another disgruntled dyke. But more importantly, I was delighted by the women who challenged the stereotype, asking where my office was, and what time I took lunch. I was truly impressed. Turns out my sisters aren't as dull as I thought. Some of them are even downright dirty. Thanks CL, for restoring my faith in slutty lesbians, and helping me discover that women can be just as sleazy as men. But more importantly, thanks for making lunch my favorite meal of the day.
DIRTY AL (aka ALISON ZACK) is a native New Yorker, professional Scorpio, full-time dyke, part-time Jew, brunch champion and webmistress to the stars. Visit www.dirtyal.com for more info.