Letter From the Editor

I am a terrible gambler. I bet on everything. This is why my girlfriend left me and I have no friends or money. This is why I sleep on a futon under the desk in my office and shower at the gym. I have made a mess of things and it’s just my own damn fault.

Truth be known, I am one wager away from losing my left kidney and that scares the be-Jesus out of me. I lost my right one last year in a craps game with Ben Affleck, who, it turns out, is one mean motherfucker when you owe him $42,000 and are licking his ear. I could have sworn the dice were loaded.

This is why I am in this bar drinking whiskey and trying to pick horses. I had heard that this is what people do when they are depressed, and so I thought I would drown my sorrows and maybe meet an easy woman with a beer belly and problems of her own. Maybe she’ll have gypsy children who are thieves. Maybe she’ll take me back to her place and try to rob me. Ha! Then the joke is really on her.

I am a newspaper writer. You probably know my name from the many words that appear each day under my byline. Every day my words are read by over 3 million people in the continental United States, and I even sometimes receive letters of praise from Alaska and the islands of Micronesia. I am told that people in the highest levels of government are afraid of my deft wit. I have brought down Presidents and sullied the reputations of many CEOs.

But if I could be anything, I would be an underwear model. Somewhere, deep down, I know that is my true calling. Boxers, briefs, whatever… It wouldn’t matter to me. I’d never bet on another horse, and I’d stop drinking forever and believe in God if I could only prance around on a catwalk in a pair of Calvin Kleins.

If this means I am a fool, so be it. Better to be a fool than spend my life pleading with bookies and scrounging for change in the folds of acquaintances’ couches.

Ah dreams. As some wise person once said: the reach should always exceed the grasp, or what’s a heaven for?

This edition of Papotage is filled with the kind of foolishness you might expect from us. Enjoy enjoy.