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Hi! I'm Dr. Nora,
and welcome to the Dr. Nora Show! Today we're going to be talking about relationships.
Is there anyone here currently in a relationship?
Hi, what's your name?
--
Hi Steven. Are you in a relationship?
--
Are you a fag?
--
So, you're "in a relationship with a guy." Duh. Is it open?
--
I mean can you fuck other guys in the shower, but can't go to dinner with
them? Or, do you have a rule where it's OK to suck someone off, but they can't
piss in your mouth?
--
Great! No, really, that's so much better than pretending that you can be monogamous,
because you know what? You can't. Do you ever notice it's only the guys who've
never been in a relationship who say they want monogamous ones? How about
you, what's your name?
--
Hi Nancy, are you single?
--
And you're straight, right?
--
I can just tell, the shoes. You know what, Nancy, I think single woman over
35 should just start dating other women, because at this point, you're so
screwed up by all those years of dating men that the only thing that will
really satisfy you is a completely co-dependant relationship with another
woman. Great, so start looking around, I'm sure there are plenty right in
this room. Why, here's a nice lesbian couple, right here. What are your names?
--
Jackie and Lisa. Hi Jackie and Lisa! How long have you two been together?
--
Wow, 5 years. And when did you stop having sex?
--
Three years ago. Well, guys, y'know what? You're what I like to call roommates,
so I'm just going to end this charade right now and introduce Lisa to Nancy
over here, you never know, Lisa, you might get something you haven't had in
three years and Jackie, I'm looking at you and thinking, you're probably about
ready to go back to men.
--
I thought so. Well, better move to St Paul, honey, there aren't any decent
straight guys in this city. I'm kidding, there's probably one or two right
in this room. Hi, you look straight.
--
I can tell from the bad haircut. What's your name?
--
Joe, that's a good straight name. Are you one of those new sensitive straight
guys with lots of gay friends and a sense of design?
--
You're bisexual? Ummmm, . . .well, Joe, . . . bisexual men are gay. Bisexual
women are straight and bored, but that's OK. Honey, you can just marry your
fag hag friend and still have sex in the shower at the gym with Steve over
here.
Well, we're going to take a quick break. When we come back our special guest Angelina Jolie will be here to discuss her secrets for a successful relationship or at least share some cooking tips. We’ll see you in a minute.
NORA BURNS is a writer and performer currently residing in New York, . . . perhaps Hawaii, . . . sometimes Los Angeles.